London. A street.
[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, FANG and
his Boy with her, and SNARE following.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Master Fang,
have you entered the action?
FANG It is entered.
Snare, we must arrest Sir John Falstaff.
MISTRESS QUICKLY I pray ye, since my
exion is entered and my case so openly known to
the world, let him be brought in to his answer. A
hundred mark is a long one for a poor lone woman to
bear: and I have borne, and borne, and borne, and
have been fubbed off, and fubbed off, and fubbed
off, from this day to that day, that it is a shame
to be thought on. There is no honesty in such
dealing; unless a woman should be made an ass and a
beast, to bear every knave’s wrong. Yonder he
comes; and that errant malmsey-nose knave, Bardolph,
with him. Do your offices, do your offices: Master
Fang and Master Snare, do me, do me, do me your offices.
[Enter FALSTAFF, Page, and BARDOLPH]
FALSTAFF How now! whose mare’s dead?
what’s the matter?
FANG Sir John,
I arrest you at the suit of Mistress Quickly.
FALSTAFF Away, varlets! Draw, Bardolph:
cut me off the villain’s head:
throw the quean in the channel.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Throw me in the channel!
I’ll throw thee in the channel. Wilt thou? wilt thou?
thou bastardly rogue! Murder, murder! Ah, thou
honeysuckle villain! wilt thou kill God’s officers
and the king’s? Ah, thou honey-seed rogue! thou
art a honey-seed, a man-queller, and a woman-queller.
FALSTAFF Keep them off, Bardolph.
FANG A rescue! a rescue!
MISTRESS QUICKLY Good people, bring a rescue or two.
Thou wo’t, wo’t thou? Thou wo’t, wo’t ta? do, do, thou rogue!
do, thou hemp-seed!
FALSTAFF Away, you scullion! you rampallion!
You fustilarian! I’ll tickle your catastrophe.
[Enter the Lord Chief-Justice, and his men]
Lord Chief-Justice What is the matter?
keep the peace here, ho!
MISTRESS QUICKLY Good my lord, be good to me.
I beseech you, stand to me.
Lord Chief-Justice How now, Sir John!
what are you brawling here?
Doth this become your place, your time and business?
You should have been well on your way to York.
MISTRESS QUICKLY O most worshipful lord,
an’t please your grace, I am a poor widow of Eastcheap,
and he is arrested at my suit.
Lord Chief-Justice For what sum?
MISTRESS QUICKLY It is more than for some,
my lord; it is for all, all I have. He hath eaten me out
of house and home; he hath put all my substance into
that fat belly of his.
Lord Chief-Justice How comes this, Sir John? Fie!
Are you not ashamed to enforce a poor widow to so
rough a course to come by her own?
FALSTAFF What is the gross sum that I owe thee?
MISTRESS QUICKLY Marry, if thou wert an honest man,
thyself and the money too. Thou didst swear to me upon a
parcel-gilt goblet, sitting in my Dolphin-chamber,
at the round table, by a sea-coal fire, upon
Wednesday in Wheeson week, when the prince broke
thy head for liking his father to a singing-man of
Windsor, thou didst swear to me then, as I was
washing thy wound, to marry me and make me my lady
thy wife. Canst thou deny it?
And didst thou not kiss me and bid me
fetch thee thirty shillings? I put thee now to thy
book-oath: deny it, if thou canst.
FALSTAFF My lord, this is a poor mad soul; and she says
up and down the town that the eldest son is like you:
she hath been in good case, and the truth is,
poverty hath distracted her. But for these foolish
officers, I beseech you I may have redress against them.
Lord Chief-Justice Sir John, Sir John,
I am well acquainted with your manner of wrenching
the true cause the false way. It is not a confident brow,
nor the throng of words that come with such more than
impudent sauciness from you, can thrust me from a
level consideration: you have, as it appears to me,
practised upon the easy-yielding spirit of this woman,
and made her serve your uses both in purse and in person.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Yea, in truth, my lord.
Lord Chief-Justice Pray thee, peace.
Pay her the debt you owe her, and unpay the villany
you have done her: the one you may do with sterling
money, and the other with current repentance.
FALSTAFF My lord, I will not undergo this sneap without
reply. You call honourable boldness impudent
sauciness: if a man will make courtesy and say
nothing, he is virtuous: no, my lord, my humble
duty remembered, I will not be your suitor. I say
to you, I do desire deliverance from these officers,
being upon hasty employment in the king’s affairs.
Lord Chief-Justice You speak as having power to do wrong:
but answer in the effect of your reputation, and satisfy this
poor woman.
FALSTAFF Come hither, hostess.
[Enter GOWER]
Lord Chief-Justice Now, Master Gower, what news?
GOWER The king, my lord, and Harry Prince of Wales
Are near at hand: the rest the paper tells.
FALSTAFF As I am a gentleman.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Faith, you said so before.
FALSTAFF As I am a gentleman. Come, no more words of it.
MISTRESS QUICKLY By this heavenly ground I tread on,
I must be fain to pawn both my plate and the tapestry of
my dining-chambers.
FALSTAFF Let it be ten pound, if thou canst.
Come, an ’twere not for thy humours, there’s
not a better wench in England. Go, wash thy face,
and draw the action.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Pray thee, Sir John,
let it be but twenty nobles: i’ faith, I am loath to pawn my plate,
so God save me, la!
FALSTAFF Let it alone;
I’ll make other shift: you’ll be a fool still.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Well, you shall have it,
though I pawn my gown. I hope you’ll come to supper.
You’ll pay me all together?
FALSTAFF Will I live?
[To BARDOLPH]
Go, with her, with her; hook on, hook on.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Will you
have Doll Tearsheet meet you at supper?
FALSTAFF No more words; let’s have her.
[Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY, BARDOLPH, Officers and Boy]
Lord Chief-Justice I have heard better news.
FALSTAFF What’s the news, my lord?
Lord Chief-Justice Where lay the king last night?
GOWER At Basingstoke, my lord.
FALSTAFF I hope, my lord, all’s well:
what is the news, my lord?
Lord Chief-Justice Come all his forces back?
GOWER No; fifteen hundred foot, five hundred horse,
Are marched up to my lord of Lancaster,
Against Northumberland and the Archbishop.
FALSTAFF Comes the king back from Wales,
my noble lord?
Lord Chief-Justice You shall have letters of me presently:
Come, go along with me, good Master Gower.
FALSTAFF My lord!
Lord Chief-Justice What’s the matter?
FALSTAFF Master Gower,
shall I entreat you with me to dinner?
GOWER I must wait upon my good lord here;
I thank you, good Sir John.
Lord Chief-Justice Sir John, you loiter here too long,
being you are to take soldiers up in counties as you go.
FALSTAFF Will you sup with me, Master Gower?
Lord Chief-Justice What foolish master
taught you these manners, Sir John?
FALSTAFF Master Gower, if they become me not, he was a fool
that taught them me. This is the right fencing
grace, my lord; tap for tap, and so part fair.
Lord Chief-Justice Now the Lord lighten thee!
thou art a great fool.
Playlist Henry IV Part Two | Dramatis Personea | Plays & Info