London. A street.
[Enter FALSTAFF, with his Page
bearing his sword and buckler]
FALSTAFF Sirrah, you giant,
what says the doctor to my water?
Page
He said, sir, the water itself was a good healthy
water; but, for the party that owed it, he might
have more diseases than he knew for.
FALSTAFF
Men of all sorts take a pride to gird at me:
the brain of this foolish-compounded clay, man, is not
able to invent anything that tends to laughter, more
than I invent or is invented on me: I am not only
witty in myself, but the cause that wit is in other
men. I do here walk before thee like a sow that
hath overwhelmed all her litter but one. If the
prince put thee into my service for any other reason
than to set me off, why then I have no judgment.
Thou whoreson mandrake, thou art fitter to be worn
in my cap than to wait at my heels.
What said Master Dombledon about
the satin for my short cloak and my slops?
Page He said, sir, you should procure him better
assurance than Bardolph: he would not take his
band and yours; he liked not the security.
FALSTAFF A whoreson Achitophel! a rascally
yea-forsooth knave! to bear a gentleman in hand,
and then stand upon security! I had as lief they
would put ratsbane in my mouth as offer to stop
it with security. Where’s Bardolph?
Page He’s gone into Smithfield
to buy your worship a horse.
FALSTAFF I bought him in Paul’s,
and he’ll buy me a horse in Smithfield:
an I could get me but a wife in the stews,
I were manned, horsed, and wived.
[Enter the Lord Chief-Justice and Servant]
Page Sir, here comes the nobleman that committed the
Prince for striking him about Bardolph.
FALSTAFF Wait, close; I will not see him.
Lord Chief-Justice What’s he that goes there?
Servant Falstaff, an’t please your lordship.
Lord Chief-Justice He that was in question for the robbery?
Servant He, my lord: but he hath since done good service
at Shrewsbury; and, as I hear, is now going with some
charge to the Lord John of Lancaster.
Lord Chief-Justice What, to York? Call him back again.
Servant Sir John Falstaff!
FALSTAFF Boy, tell him I am deaf.
Page You must speak louder; my master is deaf.
Lord Chief-Justice I am sure he is,
to the hearing of any thing good.
Go, pluck him by the elbow; I must speak with him.
Servant Sir John!
FALSTAFF What! a young knave, and begging!
Is there not wars? is there not employment?
Servant Sir, my lord would speak with you.
Lord Chief-Justice Sir John Falstaff, a word with you.
FALSTAFF My good lord! God give your lordship good
time of day. I am glad to see your lordship abroad:
I heard say your lordship was sick: I hope your lordship
goes abroad by advice. Your lordship, though not
clean past your youth, hath yet some smack of age in
you, some relish of the saltness of time; and I must
humbly beseech your lordship to have a reverent care
of your health.
Lord Chief-Justice Sir John,
I sent for you before your expedition to Shrewsbury.
FALSTAFF An’t please your lordship, I hear his majesty is
returned with some discomfort from Wales.
Lord Chief-Justice I talk not of his majesty: you would
not come when I sent for you.
FALSTAFF And I hear, moreover, his highness is fallen
into this same whoreson apoplexy.
Lord Chief-Justice Well, God mend him! I pray you,
let me speak with you.
FALSTAFF This apoplexy is, as I take it, a kind of lethargy,
an’t please your lordship; a kind of sleeping in the
blood, a whoreson tingling.
Lord Chief-Justice What tell you me of it? be it as it is.
FALSTAFF It hath its original from much grief, from study
and perturbation of the brain: I have read the cause of
his effects in Galen: it is a kind of deafness.
Lord Chief-Justice I think you are fallen into the disease;
for you hear not what I say to you.
FALSTAFF Very well, my lord, very well: rather,
an’t please you, it is the disease of not listening, the
malady of not marking, that I am troubled withal.
Lord Chief-Justice To punish you by the heels would
amend the attention of your ears; and I care not if I do
become your physician. I sent for you, when there were
matters against you for your life, to come speak with me.
FALSTAFF As I was then advised by my learned counsel
in the laws of this land-service, I did not come.
Lord Chief-Justice Well, the truth is, Sir John,
you live in great infamy.
FALSTAFF He that buckles him in my belt cannot live in less.
Lord Chief-Justice Your means are very slender,
and your waste is great.
FALSTAFF I would it were otherwise; I would my
means were greater, and my waist slenderer.
Lord Chief-Justice You have misled the youthful prince.
FALSTAFF The young prince hath misled me: I am the
fellow with the great belly, and he my dog.
Lord Chief-Justice Well, I am loath to gall a new-healed
wound: your day’s service at Shrewsbury hath a little
gilded over your night’s exploit on Gad’s-hill:
But since all is well, keep it so:
You follow the young prince up and down,
like his ill angel.
FALSTAFF Not so, my lord…
You that are old consider not the capacities of us
that are young.
Lord Chief-Justice Do you set down your name in the
scroll of youth, that are written down old with all the
characters of age? Have you not a moist eye? a dry hand?
a yellow cheek? a white beard? a decreasing leg? an
increasing belly? is not your voice broken? your
wind short? your chin double? your wit single? and
every part about you blasted with antiquity? and
will you yet call yourself young? Fie, fie, fie, Sir John!
FALSTAFF My lord, I was born about three of the clock
in the afternoon, with a white head and something a round
belly. For my voice, I have lost it with halloing
and singing of anthems. The truth is, I am only old in
judgment and understanding; and he that will caper
with me for a thousand marks, let him lend me the
money, and have at him! For the box of the ear that
the prince gave you, he gave it like a rude prince,
and you took it like a sensible lord. I have
chequed him for it, and the young lion repents;
marry, not in ashes and sackcloth, but in new silk
and old sack.
Lord Chief-Justice Well,
God send the prince a better companion!
FALSTAFF God send the companion a better prince!
I cannot rid my hands of him.
Lord Chief-Justice Well, the king hath severed you
and Prince Harry: I hear you are going with Lord John
of Lancaster against the Archbishop and the Earl of
Northumberland.
FALSTAFF Yea; I thank your pretty sweet wit for it.
But look you pray, all you that kiss my lady Peace at
home, that our armies join not in a hot day; for, by the
Lord, I take but two shirts out with me, and I mean
not to sweat extraordinarily. There is not a
dangerous action can peep out his head but I am
thrust upon it: well, I cannot last ever: but it
was alway yet the trick of our English nation, if
they have a good thing, to make it too common. If
ye will needs say I am an old man, you should give
me rest. I would to God my name were not so
terrible to the enemy as it is: I were better to be
eaten to death with a rust than to be scoured to
nothing with perpetual motion.
Lord Chief-Justice Well, be honest, be honest;
and God bless your expedition!
FALSTAFF Will your lordship lend me a thousand
pound to furnish me forth?
Lord Chief-Justice Not a penny, not a penny!
Fare you well: commend me to my
cousin Westmoreland.
[Exeunt Chief-Justice and Servant]
FALSTAFF If I do, fillip me with a three-man beetle.
Boy! What money is in my purse?
Page Seven groats and two pence.
FALSTAFF I can get no remedy against this consumption
of the purse: borrowing only lingers and lingers it out,
but the disease is incurable. Go bear this letter
to my Lord of Lancaster; this to the prince; this
to the Earl of Westmoreland; and this to old
Mistress Ursula, whom I have weekly sworn to marry
since I perceived the first white hair on my chin.
About it: you know where to find me.
[Exit Page]
A pox of this gout! or, a gout of this pox! for
the one or the other plays the rogue with my great
toe. ‘Tis no matter if I do halt; I have the wars
for my colour, and my pension shall seem the more
reasonable. A good wit will make use of any thing:
I will turn diseases to commodity.
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