Milan. The DUKE’s palace
[Enter VALENTINE and SPEED]
SPEED Sir, your glove.
VALENTINE Not mine; my gloves are on.
SPEED Why, then, this may be yours,
for this is but one.
VALENTINE Ha! let me see: ay,
give it me, it’s mine:
Sweet ornament that decks a thing divine!
Ah, Silvia, Silvia!
SPEED Madam Silvia! Madam Silvia!
VALENTINE How now, sirrah?
SPEED She is not within hearing, sir.
VALENTINE Why, sir, who bade you call her?
SPEED Your worship, sir; or else I mistook.
VALENTINE Well, you’ll still be too forward.
SPEED
And yet I was last chidden for being too slow.
VALENTINE
Go to, sir: tell me, do you know Madam Silvia?
SPEED She that your worship loves?
VALENTINE Why, how know you that I am in love?
SPEED Marry, by these special marks: first, you have
learned, like Sir Proteus, to wreathe your arms,
like a malecontent; to relish a love-song, like a
robin-redbreast; to walk alone, like one that had
the pestilence; to sigh, like a school-boy that had
lost his A B C; to weep, like a young wench that had
buried her grandam; to fast, like one that takes
diet; to watch like one that fears robbing; to
speak puling, like a beggar at Hallowmas. You were
wont, when you laughed, to crow like a cock; when you
walked, to walk like one of the lions; when you
fasted, it was presently after dinner; when you
looked sadly, it was for want of money: and now you
are metamorphosed with a mistress, that, when I look
on you, I can hardly think you my master.
VALENTINE Are all these things perceived in me?
SPEED They are all perceived without ye.
VALENTINE Without me? they cannot.
SPEED Without you? nay, that’s certain, for, without
you were so simple, none else would: but you are so
without these follies, that these follies are within
you and shine through you like the water in an
urinal, that not an eye that sees you but is a
physician to comment on your malady.
VALENTINE
But tell me, dost thou know my lady Silvia?
SPEED She that you gaze on so as she sits at supper?
VALENTINE
Hast thou observed that? even she, I mean.
SPEED Why, sir, I know her not.
VALENTINE Dost thou know her by my gazing on her,
and yet knowest her not?
SPEED Is she not hard-favoured, sir?
VALENTINE Not so fair, boy, as well-favoured.
SPEED Sir, I know that well enough.
VALENTINE What dost thou know?
SPEED That she is not so fair as, of you, well-favoured.
VALENTINE I mean that her beauty is exquisite,
but her favour infinite.
SPEED That’s because the one is painted and the
other out of all count.
VALENTINE How painted? and how out of count?
SPEED Marry, sir, so painted, to make her fair,
that no man counts of her beauty.
VALENTINE
How esteemest thou me? I account of her beauty.
SPEED You never saw her since she was deformed.
VALENTINE How long hath she been deformed?
SPEED Ever since you loved her.
VALENTINE I have loved her ever since I saw her;
and still I see her beautiful.
SPEED If you love her, you cannot see her.
VALENTINE Why?
SPEED Because Love is blind.
O, that you had mine eyes;
or your own eyes had the lights they were wont to
have when you chid at Sir Proteus for going
ungartered!
VALENTINE What should I see then?
SPEED Your own present folly and her passing
deformity: for he, being in love, could not see to garter
his hose, and you, being in love, cannot see to put on your hose.
VALENTINE Belike, boy, then, you are in love; for last
morning you could not see to wipe my shoes.
SPEED True, sir; I was in love with my bed: I thank you,
you swinged me for my love, which makes me the
bolder to chide you for yours.
VALENTINE In conclusion, I stand affected to her.
SPEED
I would you were set, so your affection would cease.
VALENTINE Last night she enjoined me to write
some lines to one she loves.
SPEED And have you?
VALENTINE I have.
SPEED Are they not lamely writ?
VALENTINE No, boy, but as well as I can do them.
Peace! here she comes.
SPEED [Aside] O excellent motion! O exceeding puppet!
Now will he interpret to her.
[Enter SILVIA]
VALENTINE
Madam and mistress, a thousand good-morrows.
SPEED [Aside]
O, give ye good even! here’s a million of manners.
SILVIA
Sir Valentine and servant, to you two thousand.
SPEED [Aside]
He should give her interest and she gives it him.
VALENTINE As you enjoin’d me, I have writ your letter
Unto the secret nameless friend of yours;
Which I was much unwilling to proceed in
But for my duty to your ladyship.
SILVIA I thank you gentle servant: ’tis very clerkly done.
VALENTINE Now trust me, madam, it came hardly off;
For being ignorant to whom it goes
I writ at random, very doubtfully.
SILVIA Perchance you think too much of so much pains?
VALENTINE No, madam; so it stead you, I will write
Please you command, a thousand times as much;
And yet–
SILVIA A pretty period! Well, I guess the sequel;
And yet I will not name it; and yet I care not;
And yet take this again; and yet I thank you,
Meaning henceforth to trouble you no more.
SPEED [Aside] And yet you will; and yet another ‘yet.’
VALENTINE
What means your ladyship? do you not like it?
SILVIA Yes, yes; the lines are very quaintly writ;
But since unwillingly, take them again.
Nay, take them.
VALENTINE Madam, they are for you.
SILVIA Ay, ay: you writ them, sir, at my request;
But I will none of them; they are for you;
I would have had them writ more movingly.
VALENTINE
Please you, I’ll write your ladyship another.
SILVIA And when it’s writ, for my sake read it over,
And if it please you, so; if not, why, so.
VALENTINE If it please me, madam, what then?
SILVIA Why, if it please you, take it for your labour:
And so, good morrow, servant.
[Exit]
SPEED O jest unseen, inscrutable, invisible,
As a nose on a man’s face, or a weathercock on a steeple!
My master sues to her, and she hath taught her suitor,
He being her pupil, to become her tutor.
O excellent device! was there ever heard a better,
That my master, being scribe, to himself should write
the letter?
VALENTINE
How now, sir? what are you reasoning with yourself?
SPEED
Nay, I was rhyming: ’tis you that have the reason.
VALENTINE To do what?
SPEED To be a spokesman for Madam Silvia.
VALENTINE To whom?
SPEED To yourself: why, she wooes you by a figure.
VALENTINE What figure?
SPEED By a letter, I should say.
VALENTINE Why, she hath not writ to me?
SPEED What need she, when she hath made
you write to yourself? Why, do you not perceive
the jest?
VALENTINE No, believe me.
SPEED No believing you, indeed, sir.
But did you perceive her earnest?
VALENTINE
She gave me none, except an angry word.
SPEED Why, she hath given you a letter.
VALENTINE That’s the letter I writ to her friend.
SPEED
And that letter hath she delivered, and there an end.
VALENTINE I would it were no worse.
SPEED I’ll warrant you, ’tis as well:
For often have you writ to her, and she, in modesty,
Or else for want of idle time, could not again reply;
Or fearing else some messenger that might her mind discover,
Herself hath taught her love himself to write unto her lover.
All this I speak in print, for in print I found it.
Why muse you, sir? ’tis dinner-time.
VALENTINE I have dined.
SPEED Ay, but hearken, sir; though the chameleon
Love can feed on the air, I am one that am nourished
by my victuals, and would fain have meat. O, be not
like your mistress; be moved, be moved.
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