OLIVIA’s garden.
[Enter OLIVIA and MARIA]
OLIVIA I have sent after him: he says he’ll come;
How shall I feast him? what bestow of him?
For youth is bought more oft than begg’d or borrow’d.
I speak too loud.
Where is Malvolio? he is sad and civil,
And suits well for a servant with my fortunes:
Where is Malvolio?
MARIA
He’s coming, madam; but in very strange manner.
He is, sure, possessed, madam.
OLIVIA Why, what’s the matter? does he rave?
MARIA No. madam, he does nothing but smile: your
ladyship were best to have some guard about you, if
he come; for, sure, the man is tainted in’s wits.
OLIVIA Go call him hither.
[Exit MARIA]
I am as mad as he,
If sad and merry madness equal be.
[Re-enter MARIA,
with MALVOLIO]
How now, Malvolio!
MALVOLIO Sweet lady, ho, ho.
OLIVIA Smilest thou?
I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.
MALVOLIO Sad, lady! I could be sad: this does
make some obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering;
but what of that? if it please the eye of one, it is
with me as the very true sonnet is, ‘Please one, and
please all.’
OLIVIA Why,
how dost thou, man? what is the matter with thee?
MALVOLIO Not black in my mind, though yellow in
my legs. It did come to his hands, and commands shall be
executed: I think we do know the sweet Roman hand.
OLIVIA Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO To bed! ay, sweet-heart, and I’ll come to thee.
OLIVIA God comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so
and kiss thy hand so oft?
MARIA How do you, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO At your request!
yes; nightingales answer daws.
MARIA Why appear you with this ridiculous
boldness before my lady?
MALVOLIO ‘Be not afraid of greatness:’ ’twas well writ.
OLIVIA What meanest thou by that, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO ‘Some are born great,’–
OLIVIA Ha!
MALVOLIO ‘Some achieve greatness,’–
OLIVIA What sayest thou?
MALVOLIO
‘And some have greatness thrust upon them.’
OLIVIA Heaven restore thee!
MALVOLIO
‘Remember who commended thy yellow stockings,’–
OLIVIA Thy yellow stockings!
MALVOLIO ‘And wished to see thee cross-gartered.’
OLIVIA Cross-gartered!
MALVOLIO
‘Go to thou art made, if thou desirest to be so;’–
OLIVIA Am I made?
MALVOLIO ‘If not, let me see thee a servant still.’
OLIVIA Why, this is very midsummer madness.
[Enter Servant]
Servant Madam, the young gentleman of the
Count Orsino’s is returned: I could hardly entreat
him back: he attends your ladyship’s pleasure.
OLIVIA I’ll come to him.
[Exit Servant]
Good Maria, let this fellow be looked to. Where’s
my cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a
special care of him: I would not have him miscarry
for the half of my dowry.
[Exeunt OLIVIA and MARIA]
MALVOLIO O, ho! do you come near me now?
no worse man than Sir Toby to look to me!
This concurs directly with the letter: she sends
him on purpose, that I may appear stubborn to
him; for she incites me to that in the letter.
‘Cast thy humble slough,’ says she; ‘be opposite
with a kinsman, surly with servants; let thy tongue
tang with arguments of state; put thyself into the trick
of singularity;’ and consequently sets down the manner
how; as, a sad face, a reverend carriage, a slow tongue,
in the habit of some sir of note, and so forth. I have
limed her; but it is Jove’s doing, and Jove make me
thankful! And when she went away now, ‘Let this
fellow be looked to:’ fellow! not Malvolio, nor
after my degree, but fellow. Why, every thing
adheres together, that no dram of a scruple, no
scruple of a scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous
or unsafe circumstance–What can be said? Nothing
that can be can come between me and the full
prospect of my hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the
doer of this, and he is to be thanked.
[Re-enter MARIA, with SIR
TOBY BELCH and FABIAN]
SIR TOBY BELCH Which way is he, in the name of
sanctity? If all the devils of hell be drawn in little,
and Legion himself possessed him, yet I’ll speak to him.
FABIAN Here he is, here he is.
How is’t with you, sir?
how is’t with you, man?
MALVOLIO Go off;
I discard you: let me enjoy my private: go off.
MARIA Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him!
did not I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a
care of him.
MALVOLIO Ah, ha! does she so?
SIR TOBY BELCH Go to, go to; peace, peace;
we must deal gently with him: let me alone.
How do you, Malvolio? how is’t with you?
What, man! defy the devil: consider, he’s an
enemy to mankind.
MALVOLIO Do you know what you say?
MARIA La you, an you speak ill of the devil,
how he takes it at heart!
Pray God, he be not bewitched!
FABIAN Carry his water to the wise woman.
MARIA Marry, and it shall be done to-morrow morning,
if I live. My lady would not lose him for more
than I’ll say.
MALVOLIO How now, mistress!
MARIA O Lord!
SIR TOBY BELCH Prithee, hold thy peace;
this is not the way: do you not see you move him?
let me alone with him.
FABIAN No way but gentleness; gently, gently:
the fiend is rough, and will not be roughly used.
SIR TOBY BELCH Why, how now, my bawcock!
how dost thou, chuck?
MALVOLIO Sir!
SIR TOBY BELCH Ay, Biddy, come with me.
What, man! ’tis not for gravity to play at cherry-pit
with Satan: hang him, foul collier!
MARIA Get him to say his prayers, good Sir Toby,
get him to pray.
MALVOLIO My prayers, minx!
MARIA No,
I warrant you, he will not hear of godliness.
MALVOLIO Go, hang yourselves all! you are idle
shallow things: I am not of your element: you shall
know more hereafter.
[Exit]
SIR TOBY BELCH Is’t possible?
FABIAN If this were played upon a stage now,
I could condemn it as an improbable fiction.
SIR TOBY BELCH His very genius hath taken the
infection of the device, man.
MARIA Nay,
pursue him now, lest the device take air and taint.
FABIAN Why, we shall make him mad indeed.
MARIA The house will be the quieter.
SIR TOBY BELCH Come,
we’ll have him in a dark room and bound. My
niece is already in the belief that he’s mad: we
may carry it thus, for our pleasure and his penance,
till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt
us to have mercy on him: at which time we will
bring the device to the bar and crown thee for a
finder of madmen. But see, but see.
[Enter SIR ANDREW]
FABIAN More matter for a May morning.
SIR ANDREW Here’s the challenge, read it:
warrant there’s vinegar and pepper in’t.
FABIAN Is’t so saucy?
SIR ANDREW Ay, is’t, I warrant him: do but read.
SIR TOBY BELCH Give me.
[Reads]
‘Youth, whatsoever thou art,
thou art but a scurvy fellow.’
FABIAN Good, and valiant.
SIR TOBY BELCH [Reads] ‘Wonder not,
nor admire not in thy mind, why I do call thee so,
for I will show thee no reason for’t.’
FABIAN A good note;
that keeps you from the blow of the law.
SIR TOBY BELCH [Reads] ‘Thou comest to the lady
Olivia, and in my sight she uses thee kindly: but thou
liest in thy throat; that is not the matter I challenge thee for.’
FABIAN Very brief, and to exceeding good sense–less.
SIR TOBY BELCH [Reads]
‘I will waylay thee going home; where
if it be thy chance to kill me,’–
FABIAN Good.
SIR TOBY BELCH [Reads] ‘Thou killest me like
a rogue and a villain.’
FABIAN
Still you keep o’ the windy side of the law: good.
SIR TOBY BELCH [Reads] ‘Fare thee well; and God
have mercy upon one of our souls! He may have
mercy upon mine; but my hope is better, and so
look to thyself. Thy friend, as thou usest him,
and thy sworn enemy,
ANDREW AGUECHEEK.
If this letter move him not, his legs cannot:
I’ll give’t him.
MARIA You may have very fit occasion for’t: he is
now in some commerce with my lady, and will by
and by depart.
SIR TOBY BELCH Go, Sir Andrew: scout me for him
at the corner the orchard like a bum-baily: so soon
as ever thou seest him, draw; and, as thou drawest
swear horrible; for it comes to pass oft that a terrible
oath, with a swaggering accent sharply twanged off,
gives manhood more approbation than ever proof
itself would have earned him. Away!
SIR ANDREW Nay, let me alone for swearing.
[Exit]
SIR TOBY BELCH Now will not I deliver his letter:
for the behavior of the young gentleman gives him
out to be of good capacity and breeding; his
employment between his lord and my niece confirms
no less: therefore this letter, being so excellently
ignorant, will breed no terror in the youth: he will
find it comes from a clodpole. But, sir, I will deliver
his challenge by word of mouth; set upon Aguecheek
a notable report of valour; and drive the gentleman,
as I know his youth will aptly receive it, into a most
hideous opinion of his rage, skill, fury and impetuosity.
This will so fright them both that they will kill
one another by the look, like cockatrices.
[Re-enter OLIVIA, with VIOLA]
FABIAN Here he comes with your niece: give them
way till he take leave, and presently after him.
SIR TOBY BELCH I will meditate the while upon some
horrid message for a challenge.
[Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, FABIAN, and MARIA]
OLIVIA I have said too much unto a heart of stone
And laid mine honour too unchary out:
There’s something in me that reproves my fault;
But such a headstrong potent fault it is,
That it but mocks reproof.
VIOLA With the same ‘havior that your passion bears
Goes on my master’s grief.
OLIVIA Here, wear this jewel for me, ’tis my picture;
Refuse it not; it hath no tongue to vex you;
And I beseech you come again to-morrow.
What shall you ask of me that I’ll deny,
That honour saved may upon asking give?
VIOLA
Nothing but this; your true love for my master.
OLIVIA
How with mine honour may I give him that
Which I have given to you?
VIOLA I will acquit you.
OLIVIA Well, come again to-morrow: fare thee well:
A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell.
[Exit]
[Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN]
SIR TOBY BELCH Gentleman, God save thee.
VIOLA And you, sir.
SIR TOBY BELCH That defence thou hast,
betake thee to’t: of what nature the wrongs are
thou hast done him, I know not; but thy intercepter,
full of despite, bloody as the hunter, attends thee
at the orchard-end: dismount thy tuck, be yare in
thy preparation, for thy assailant is quick, skilful
and deadly.
VIOLA You mistake, sir;
I am sure no man hath any quarrel to me: my
remembrance is very free and clear from any
image of offence done to any man.
SIR TOBY BELCH You’ll find it otherwise,
I assure you: therefore, if you hold your life at
any price, betake you to your guard; for your
opposite hath in him what youth, strength, skill
and wrath can furnish man withal.
VIOLA I pray you, sir, what is he?
SIR TOBY BELCH He is knight, dubbed with
unhatched rapier and on carpet consideration;
but he is a devil in private brawl: souls and
bodies hath he divorced three; and his incensement
at this moment is so implacable, that satisfaction
can be none but by pangs of death and sepulchre.
Hob, nob, is his word; give’t or take’t.
VIOLA I will return again into the house and desire
some conduct of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard
of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on
others, to taste their valour: belike this is a man
of that quirk.
SIR TOBY BELCH Sir, no; his indignation derives itself
out of a very competent injury: therefore, get you on and
give him his desire. Back you shall not to the house,
unless you undertake that with me which with as much
safety you might answer him: therefore, on, or strip your
sword stark naked; for meddle you must, that’s certain,
or forswear to wear iron about you.
VIOLA This is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you, do me
this courteous office, as to know of the knight what my
offence to him is: it is something of my negligence,
nothing of my purpose.
SIR TOBY BELCH I will do so. Signior Fabian,
stay you by this gentleman till my return.
[Exit]
VIOLA Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter?
FABIAN I know the knight is incensed against you,
even to a mortal arbitrement; but nothing of the
circumstance more.
VIOLA I beseech you, what manner of man is he?
FABIAN Nothing of that wonderful promise,
to read him by his form, as you are like to find him
in the proof of his valour. He is, indeed, sir, the most
skilful, bloody and fatal opposite that you could possibly
have found in any part of Illyria. Will you walk towards
him? I will make your peace with him if I can.
VIOLA I shall be much bound to you for’t: I am one
that had rather go with sir priest than sir knight: I
care not who knows so much of my mettle.
[Exeunt]
[Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH,
with SIR ANDREW]
SIR TOBY BELCH Why, man, he’s a very devil;
I have not seen such a firago. I had a pass with him,
rapier, scabbard and all, and he gives me the stuck
in with such a mortal motion, that it is inevitable;
and on the answer, he pays you as surely as your
feet hit the ground they step on. They say he has
been fencer to the Sophy.
SIR ANDREW Pox on’t, I’ll not meddle with him.
SIR TOBY BELCH Ay,
but he will not now be pacified: Fabian can
scarce hold him yonder.
SIR ANDREW Plague on’t,
an I thought he had been valiant and so
cunning in fence, I’ld have seen him damned ere I’ld
have challenged him. Let him let the matter slip,
and I’ll give him my horse, grey Capilet.
SIR TOBY BELCH I’ll make the motion: stand here,
make a good show on’t: this shall end without the
perdition of souls.
[Aside]
Marry, I’ll ride your horse as well as I ride you.
[Re-enter FABIAN and VIOLA]
[To FABIAN]
I have his horse to take up the quarrel:
I have persuaded him the youth’s a devil.
FABIAN He is as horribly conceited of him;
and pants and looks pale, as if a bear were at his heels.
SIR TOBY BELCH [To VIOLA] There’s no remedy, sir;
he will fight with you for’s oath sake: marry, he hath
better bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that
now scarce to be worth talking of: therefore draw, for
the supportance of his vow; he protests
he will not hurt you.
VIOLA [Aside] Pray God defend me! A little thing would
make me tell them how much I lack of a man.
FABIAN Give ground, if you see him furious.
SIR TOBY BELCH Come, Sir Andrew, there’s no remedy;
the gentleman will, for his honour’s sake, have one bout
with you; he cannot by the duello avoid it: but he has
promised me, as he is a gentleman and a soldier, he
will not hurt you. Come on; to’t.
SIR ANDREW Pray God, he keep his oath!
VIOLA I do assure you, ’tis against my will.
[They draw]
[Enter ANTONIO]
ANTONIO
Put up your sword. If this young gentleman
Have done offence, I take the fault on me:
If you offend him, I for him defy you.
SIR TOBY BELCH You, sir! why, what are you?
ANTONIO
One, sir, that for his love dares yet do more
Than you have heard him brag to you he will.
SIR TOBY BELCH Nay, if you be an undertaker,
I am for you.
[They draw]
[Enter Officers]
FABIAN
O good Sir Toby, hold! here come the officers.
SIR TOBY BELCH I’ll be with you anon.
VIOLA Pray, sir, put your sword up, if you please.
SIR ANDREW
Marry, will I, sir; and, for that I promised you,
I’ll be as good as my word: he will bear you easily
and reins well.
First Officer This is the man; do thy office.
Second Officer Antonio,
I arrest thee at the suit of Count Orsino.
ANTONIO You do mistake me, sir.
First Officer No, sir, no jot; I know your favour well,
Though now you have no sea-cap on your head.
Take him away: he knows I know him well.
ANTONIO I must obey.
[To VIOLA]
This comes with seeking you:
But there’s no remedy; I shall answer it.
What will you do, now my necessity
Makes me to ask you for my purse? It grieves me
Much more for what I cannot do for you
Than what befalls myself. You stand amazed;
But be of comfort.
Second Officer Come, sir, away.
ANTONIO
I must entreat of you some of that money.
VIOLA What money, sir?
For the fair kindness you have show’d me here,
And, part, being prompted by your present trouble,
Out of my lean and low ability
I’ll lend you something: my having is not much;
I’ll make division of my present with you:
Hold, there’s half my coffer.
ANTONIO Will you deny me now?
Is’t possible that my deserts to you
Can lack persuasion? Do not tempt my misery,
Lest that it make me so unsound a man
As to upbraid you with those kindnesses
That I have done for you.
VIOLA I know of none;
Nor know I you by voice or any feature:
I hate ingratitude more in a man
Than lying, vainness, babbling, drunkenness,
Or any taint of vice whose strong corruption
Inhabits our frail blood.
ANTONIO O heavens themselves!
Second Officer Come, sir, I pray you, go.
ANTONIO Let me speak a little.
This youth that you see here
I snatch’d one half out of the jaws of death,
Relieved him with such sanctity of love,
And to his image, which methought did promise
Most venerable worth, did I devotion.
First Officer What’s that to us?
The time goes by: away!
ANTONIO But O how vile an idol proves this god
Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame.
In nature there’s no blemish but the mind;
None can be call’d deform’d but the unkind:
Virtue is beauty, but the beauteous evil
Are empty trunks o’erflourish’d by the devil.
First Officer The man grows mad: away with him!
Come, come, sir.
ANTONIO Lead me on.
[Exit with Officers]
VIOLA
Methinks his words do from such passion fly,
That he believes himself: so do not I.
Prove true, imagination, O, prove true,
That I, dear brother, be now ta’en for you!
SIR TOBY BELCH Come hither,
knight; come hither, Fabian: we’ll whisper o’er a
couplet or two of most sage saws.
VIOLA He named Sebastian: I my brother know
Yet living in my glass; even such and so
In favour was my brother, and he went
Still in this fashion, colour, ornament,
For him I imitate: O, if it prove,
Tempests are kind and salt waves fresh in love.
[Exit]
SIR TOBY BELCH A very dishonest paltry boy,
and more a coward than a hare: his dishonesty appears
in leaving his friend here in necessity and denying him;
and for his cowardship, ask Fabian.
FABIAN A coward, a most devout coward,
religious in it.
SIR ANDREW ‘Slid, I’ll after him again and beat him.
SIR TOBY BELCH Do; cuff him soundly,
but never draw thy sword.
SIR ANDREW An I do not,–
FABIAN Come, let’s see the event.
SIR TOBY BELCH
I dare lay any money ’twill be nothing yet.
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