A room in the Garter Inn.
[Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL]
FALSTAFF I will not lend thee a penny.
PISTOL Why, then the world’s mine oyster.
Which I with sword will open.
FALSTAFF Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should
lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon my
good friends for three reprieves for you and your
coach-fellow Nym; or else you had looked through
the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned in
hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends, you were
good soldiers and tall fellows; and when Mistress
Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took’t upon
mine honour thou hadst it not.
PISTOL Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteen pence?
FALSTAFF Reason, you rogue, reason: thinkest thou I’ll
endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more
about me, I am no gibbet for you. Go. A short knife
and a throng! To your manor of Pickt-hatch! Go.
You’ll not bear a letter for me, you rogue! you
stand upon your honour! Why, thou unconfinable
baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the
terms of my honour precise: I, I, I myself
sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand
and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to
shuffle, to hedge and to lurch; and yet you, rogue,
will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain
looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your
bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your
honour! You will not do it, you!
PISTOL I do relent: what would thou more of man?
[Enter ROBIN]
ROBIN Sir, here’s a woman would speak with you.
FALSTAFF Let her approach.
[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY]
MISTRESS QUICKLY Give your worship good morrow.
FALSTAFF Good morrow, good wife.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Not so, an’t please your worship.
FALSTAFF Good maid, then.
MISTRESS QUICKLY I’ll be sworn,
As my mother was, the first hour I was born.
FALSTAFF I do believe the swearer. What with me?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?
FALSTAFF
Two thousand, fair woman: and I’ll vouchsafe thee
the hearing.
MISTRESS QUICKLY There is one Mistress Ford, sir:–I pray,
come a little nearer this ways:–I myself dwell with master
Doctor Caius,–
FALSTAFF Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,–
MISTRESS QUICKLY Your worship says very true:
I pray your worship, come a little nearer this ways.
FALSTAFF I warrant thee, nobody hears;
mine own people, mine own people.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Are they so?
God bless them and make them his servants!
FALSTAFF Well, Mistress Ford; what of her?
MISTRESS QUICKLY Why, sir, she’s a good creature.
Lord Lord! your worship’s a wanton! Well, heaven
forgive you and all of us, I pray!
FALSTAFF Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford,–
MISTRESS QUICKLY Marry, this is the short and
the long of it; you have brought her into such a canaries
as ’tis wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the
court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her
to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and
lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I warrant
you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift
after gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and so
rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in
such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of
the best and the fairest, that would have won any
woman’s heart; and, I warrant you, they could never
get an eye-wink of her: I had myself twenty angels
given me this morning; but I defy all angels, in
any such sort, as they say, but in the way of
honesty: and, I warrant you, they could never get
her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of
them all: and yet there has been earls, nay, which
is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her.
FALSTAFF But what says she to me?
be brief, my good she-Mercury.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Marry, she hath received your
letter, for the which she thanks you a thousand times;
and she gives you to notify that her husband will be
absence from his house between ten and eleven.
FALSTAFF Ten and eleven?
MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay, forsooth; and then you may
come and see the picture, she says, that you wot of:
Master Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas!
the sweet woman leads an ill life with him: he’s a very
jealousy man: she leads a very frampold life with
him, good heart.
FALSTAFF Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me
to her; I will not fail her.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Why, you say well.
But I have another messenger to your worship.
Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations to you too:
and let me tell you in your ear, she’s as fartuous a civil
modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will not miss you
morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor,
whoe’er be the other: and she bade me tell your worship
that her husband is seldom from home; but she hopes
there will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote
upon a man: surely I think you have charms, la; yes,
in truth.
FALSTAFF Not I, I assure thee: setting the attractions of
my good parts aside I have no other charms.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Blessing on your heart for’t!
FALSTAFF But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford’s wife
and Page’s wife acquainted each other how they love me?
MISTRESS QUICKLY That were a jest indeed! they have
not so little grace, I hope: that were a trick indeed! but
Mistress Page would desire you to send her your
little page, of all loves: her husband has a marvellous
infection to the little page; and truly Master Page is an
honest man. Never a wife in Windsor leads a better life
than she does: do what she will, say what she will,
take all, pay all, go to bed when she list, rise when she
list, all is as she will: and truly she deserves it; for if there
be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must
send her your page; no remedy.
FALSTAFF Why, I will.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Nay, but do so, then: and, look you,
he may come and go between you both; and in any case
have a nay-word, that you may know one another’s mind,
and the boy never need to understand any thing; for ’tis
not good that children should know any wickedness:
old folks, you know, have discretion, as they say, and
know the world.
FALSTAFF Fare thee well: commend me to them both:
there’s my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with
this woman.
[Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY and ROBIN]
This news distracts me!
PISTOL This punk is one of Cupid’s carriers:
Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights:
Give fire: she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
[Exit]
FALSTAFF Sayest thou so, old Jack? go thy ways;
I’ll make more of thy old body than I have done.
Will they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the
expense of so much money, be now a gainer? Good
body, I thank thee. Let them say ’tis grossly done;
so it be fairly done, no matter.
[Enter BARDOLPH]
BARDOLPH Sir John, there’s one Master Brook below
would fain speak with you, and be acquainted with you;
and hath sent your worship a morning’s draught of sack.
FALSTAFF Brook is his name?
BARDOLPH Ay, sir.
FALSTAFF Call him in.
[Exit BARDOLPH]
Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o’erflow such
liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress Ford and Mistress Page
have I encompassed you? go to; via!
[Re-enter BARDOLPH, with FORD disguised]
FORD Bless you, sir!
FALSTAFF And you, sir! Would you speak with me?
FORD I make bold to press with so little
preparation upon you.
FALSTAFF You’re welcome. What’s your will?
Give us leave, drawer.
[Exit BARDOLPH]
FORD Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much;
my name is Brook.
FALSTAFF Good Master Brook,
I desire more acquaintance of you.
FORD Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you;
for I must let you understand I think myself in
better plight for a lender than you are: the which
hath something embolden’d me to this unseasoned
intrusion; for they say, if money go before, all
ways do lie open.
FALSTAFF Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.
FORD Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me:
if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or
half, for easing me of the carriage.
FALSTAFF
Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.
FORD I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.
FALSTAFF Speak, good Master Brook:
I shall be glad to be your servant.
FORD Sir, I hear you are a scholar,–I will be brief with
you,–and you have been a man long known to me,
though I had never so good means, as desire, to make
myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a
thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine
own imperfection: but, good Sir John, as you have
one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded,
turn another into the register of your own; that I
may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you
yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender.
FALSTAFF Very well, sir; proceed.
FORD There is a gentlewoman in this town;
her husband’s name is Ford.
FALSTAFF Well, sir.
FORD I have long loved her, and, I protest to you,
bestowed much on her; followed her with a doting
observance; engrossed opportunities to meet her;
fee’d every slight occasion that could but niggardly
give me sight of her; not only bought many presents
to give her, but have given largely to many to know
what she would have given; briefly, I have pursued
her as love hath pursued me; which hath been on the
wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have
merited, either in my mind or, in my means, meed,
I am sure, I have received none; unless experience
be a jewel that I have purchased at an infinite
rate, and that hath taught me to say this:
‘Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues;
Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.’
FALSTAFF
Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands?
FORD Never.
FALSTAFF Have you importuned her to such a purpose?
FORD Never.
FALSTAFF Of what quality was your love, then?
FORD Like a fair house built on another man’s ground;
so that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place
where I erected it.
FALSTAFF
To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?
FORD When I have told you that, I have told you all.
Some say, that though she appear honest to me, yet in
other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that
there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir
John, here is the heart of my purpose: you are a
gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable
discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your
place and person, generally allowed for your many
war-like, court-like, and learned preparations.
FALSTAFF O, sir!
FORD Believe it, for you know it. There is money;
spend it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only
give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as
to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford’s
wife: use your art of wooing; win her to consent to you:
if any man may, you may as soon as any.
FALSTAFF Would it apply well to the vehemency of your
affection, that I should win what you would enjoy?
Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.
FORD O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on
the excellency of her honour, that the folly of my
soul dares not present itself: she is too bright to
be looked against. Now, could I come to her
with any detection in my hand, my desires had
instance and argument to commend themselves: I
could drive her then from the ward of her purity,
her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand
other her defences, which now are too too strongly
embattled against me. What say you to’t, Sir John?
FALSTAFF Master Brook, I will first make bold with your
money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a
gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford’s wife.
FORD O good sir!
FALSTAFF I say you shall.
FORD Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none.
FALSTAFF Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall
want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own
appointment; even as you came in to me, her assistant or
go-between parted from me: I say I shall be with her
between ten and eleven; for at that time the jealous
rascally knave her husband will be forth. Come you to
me at night; you shall know how I speed.
FORD I am blest in your acquaintance.
Do you know Ford, sir?
FALSTAFF Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave!
I know him not: yet I wrong him to call him poor;
they say the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of
money; for the which his wife seems to me well-favored.
I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue’s coffer;
and there’s my harvest-home.
FORD I would you knew Ford, sir,
that you might avoid him if you saw him.
FALSTAFF Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue!
I will stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my
cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o’er the cuckold’s
horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I will predominate
over the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife.
Come to me soon at night. Ford’s a knave, and I will
aggravate his style; thou, Master Brook, shalt know
him for knave and cuckold. Come to me soon at night.
[Exit]
FORD What a damned Epicurean rascal is this!
My heart is ready to crack with impatience.
Who says this is improvident jealousy? my wife hath sent
to him; the hour is fixed; the match is made. Would any
man have thought this? See the hell of having a false
woman! My bed shall be abused, my coffers ransacked,
my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only receive this
villanous wrong, but stand under the adoption of
abominable terms, and by him that does me this wrong.
Terms! names! Amaimon sounds well; Lucifer, well;
Barbason, well; yet they are devils’ additions, the names
of fiends: but Cuckold! Wittol!–Cuckold! the devil
himself hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass:
he will trust his wife; he will not be jealous. I will rather
trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman
with my cheese, an Irishman with my aqua-vitae bottle,
or a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than my wife with
herself; then she plots, then she ruminates, then she
devises; and what they think in their hearts they may
effect, they will break their hearts but they will effect.
Heaven be praised for my jealousy! Eleven o’clock the
hour. I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on
Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it; better three
hours too soon than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold!
cuckold! cuckold!
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