London. The Boar’s-head
Tavern in Eastcheap.[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY
and DOLL TEARSHEET]
MISTRESS QUICKLY
I’ faith, sweetheart, methinks now you
are in an excellent good temperality: your pulsidge beats as
extraordinarily as heart would desire; and your
colour, I warrant you, is as red as any rose, in good
truth, la! But, i’ faith, you have drunk too much
canaries; and that’s a marvellous searching wine,
and it perfumes the blood ere one can say ‘What’s
this?’ How do you now?
DOLL TEARSHEET Better than I was: hem!
MISTRESS QUICKLY Why, that’s well said;
a good heart’s worth gold.
Lo, here comes Sir John.
[Enter FALSTAFF]
FALSTAFF [Singing] ‘When Arthur first in court,’
–Empty the jordan.
–‘And was a worthy king.’
How now, Mistress Doll!
MISTRESS QUICKLY Sick of a calm; yea, good faith.
FALSTAFF So is all her sect;
an they be once in a calm, they are sick.
DOLL TEARSHEET You muddy rascal,
is that all the comfort you give me?
FALSTAFF You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.
DOLL TEARSHEET I make them!
gluttony and diseases make them; I make them not.
FALSTAFF If the cook help to make the gluttony,
you help to make the diseases, Doll: we catch of you,
Doll, we catch of you; grant that, my poor virtue
grant that.
DOLL TEARSHEET Hang yourself,
you muddy conger, hang yourself!
MISTRESS QUICKLY By my troth,
this is the old fashion; you two never meet but
you fall to some discord: you are both, i’ good truth,
as rheumatic as two dry toasts; you cannot one bear
with another’s confirmities. What the good-year! one
must bear, and that must be you: you are the weaker
vessel, as they say, the emptier vessel.
DOLL TEARSHEET Can a weak empty vessel bear such
a huge full hogshead? there’s a whole merchant’s venture
of Bourdeaux stuff in him; you have not seen a hulk
better stuffed in the hold. Come, I’ll be friends
with thee, Jack: thou art going to the wars; and
whether I shall ever see thee again or no, there is
nobody cares.
[Re-enter First Drawer]
First Drawer Sir,
Ancient Pistol’s below, and would speak with you.
DOLL TEARSHEET Hang him, swaggering rascal! let him
not come hither: it is the foul-mouthed’st rogue in England.
MISTRESS QUICKLY If he swagger, let him not come here:
no, by my faith; I must live among my neighbours: I’ll no
swaggerers: I am in good name and fame with the
very best: shut the door; there comes no swaggerers
here: I have not lived all this while, to have
swaggering now: shut the door, I pray you.
FALSTAFF Dost thou hear, hostess?
MISTRESS QUICKLY Pray ye, pacify yourself,
Sir John: there comes no swaggerers here.
FALSTAFF Dost thou hear? it is mine ancient.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne’er tell me: your
ancient swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was before Master
Tisick, the debuty, t’other day; and, as he said to
me, ’twas no longer ago than Wednesday last, ‘I’
good faith, neighbour Quickly,’ says he; Master
Dumbe, our minister, was by then; ‘neighbour
Quickly,’ says he, ‘receive those that are civil;
for,’ said he, ‘you are in an ill name:’ now a’
said so, I can tell whereupon; ‘for,’ says he, ‘you
are an honest woman, and well thought on; therefore
take heed what guests you receive: receive,’ says
he, ‘no swaggering companions.’ There comes none
here: you would bless you to hear what he said:
no, I’ll no swaggerers.
FALSTAFF He’s no swaggerer, hostess; a tame cheater,
i’ faith; you may stroke him as gently as a puppy
greyhound. Call him up, drawer.
[Exit First Drawer]
MISTRESS QUICKLY Cheater, call you him?
I will bar no honest man my house, nor no cheater:
but I do not love swaggering, by my troth; I am the worse,
when one says swagger: feel, masters, how I shake; look
you, I warrant you.
DOLL TEARSHEET So you do, hostess.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Do I? yea, in very truth, do I,
an ’twere an aspen leaf: I cannot abide swaggerers.
[Enter PISTOL, BARDOLPH, and Page]
PISTOL God save you, Sir John!
FALSTAFF Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol,
I charge you with a cup of sack: do you discharge
upon mine hostess.
PISTOL I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets.
FALSTAFF She is Pistol-proof, sir;
you shall hardly offend her.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Come, I’ll drink no proofs nor
no bullets: I’ll drink no more than will do me good,
for no man’s pleasure, I.
PISTOL Then to you, Mistress Dorothy; I will charge you.
DOLL TEARSHEET Charge me! I scorn you,
scurvy companion. What! you poor, base, rascally, cheating,
lack-linen mate! Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat
for your master.
PISTOL I know you, Mistress Dorothy.
DOLL TEARSHEET Away, you cut-purse rascal!
you filthy bung, away! by this wine, I’ll thrust my knife
in your mouldy chaps, an you play the saucy cuttle with me.
Away, you bottle-ale rascal! you basket-hilt stale
juggler, you! Since when, I pray you, sir? God’s
light, with two points on your shoulder? much!
PISTOL God let me not live,
but I will murder your ruff for this.
FALSTAFF No more, Pistol; I would not have you
go off here: discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.
MISTRESS QUICKLY No, Good Captain Pistol;
not here, sweet captain.
DOLL TEARSHEET Captain! thou abominable damned cheater,
art thou not ashamed to be called captain? An captains were
of my mind, they would truncheon you out, for
taking their names upon you before you have earned
them. You a captain! you slave, for what? for
tearing a poor whore’s ruff in a bawdy-house? He a
captain! hang him, rogue! he lives upon mouldy
stewed prunes and dried cakes. A captain!
therefore captains had need look to ‘t.
FALSTAFF Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.
BARDOLPH Good ancient: go down.
PISTOL Not I I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph,
I could tear her: I’ll be revenged of her.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Good Captain Peesel, be quiet;
’tis very late, i’ faith: I beseek you now,
aggravate your choler.
PISTOL These be good humours, indeed! Shall pack-horses
And hollow pamper’d jades of Asia,
Which cannot go but thirty mile a-day,
Compare with Caesars, and with Cannibals,
And Trojan Greeks? nay, rather damn them with
King Cerberus; and let the welkin roar.
Shall we fall foul for toys?
MISTRESS QUICKLY By my troth, captain,
these are very bitter words.
PISTOL Then feed, and be fat, my fair Calipolis.
Come, give’s some sack.
‘Si fortune me tormente, sperato me contento.’
Fear we broadsides? no, let the fiend give fire:
Give me some sack: and, sweetheart, lie thou there.
[Laying down his sword]
Come we to full points here; and are etceteras nothing?
FALSTAFF Pistol, I would be quiet.
PISTOL Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf: what! we have seen
the seven stars.
DOLL TEARSHEET For God’s sake,
thrust him down stairs: I cannot endure such a fustian rascal.
PISTOL Thrust him down stairs!
FALSTAFF Quoit him down, Bardolph,
like a shove-groat shilling.
BARDOLPH This will grow to a brawl anon.
PISTOL What! shall we have incision? shall we imbrue?
[Snatching up his sword]
Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days!
Why, then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds
Untwine the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say!
MISTRESS QUICKLY Here’s goodly stuff toward!
FALSTAFF Give me my rapier, boy.
DOLL TEARSHEET I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee, do not draw.
FALSTAFF Get you down stairs.
[Drawing, and driving PISTOL out]
MISTRESS QUICKLY Here’s a goodly tumult!
I’ll forswear keeping house, afore I’ll be in these tirrits
and frights. So; murder, I warrant now. Alas, alas! put up
your naked weapons, put up your naked weapons.
[Exeunt PISTOL and BARDOLPH]
DOLL TEARSHEET
I pray thee, Jack, be quiet; the rascal’s gone.
Ah, you whoreson little valiant villain, you!
MISTRESS QUICKLY He you not hurt i’ the groin?
methought a’ made a shrewd thrust at your belly.
[Re-enter BARDOLPH]
FALSTAFF Have you turned him out o’ doors?
BARDOLPH Yea, sir. The rascal’s drunk:
you have hurt him, sir, i’ the shoulder.
FALSTAFF A rascal! to brave me!
DOLL TEARSHEET Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! alas,
poor ape, how thou sweatest! come, let me wipe thy face;
come on, you whoreson chops: ah, rogue! i’faith, I
love thee: thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy,
worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times better than
the Nine Worthies: ah, villain!
FALSTAFF A rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket.
DOLL TEARSHEET Do, an thou darest for thy heart:
an thou dost, I’ll canvass thee between a pair of sheets.
[Enter Music]
Page The music is come, sir.
FALSTAFF Let them play. Play, sirs. Sit on my knee,
Doll. A rascal bragging slave! the rogue fled from
me like quicksilver.
DOLL TEARSHEET I’ faith,
and thou followedst him like a church.
Thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig,
when wilt thou leave fighting o’ days and foining
o’ nights, and begin to patch up thine old body for heaven?
[Enter, behind, PRINCE HENRY
and POINS, disguised]
FALSTAFF Peace,
good Doll! do not speak like a death’s-head;
do not bid me remember mine end.
DOLL TEARSHEET Sirrah, what humour’s the prince of?
FALSTAFF A good shallow young fellow: a’ would
have made a good pantler, a’ would
ha’ chipp’d bread well.
DOLL TEARSHEET They say Poins has a good wit.
FALSTAFF He a good wit? hang him, baboon! his
wit’s as thick as Tewksbury mustard.
DOLL TEARSHEET Why does the prince love him so, then?
FALSTAFF Because their legs are both of a bigness,
and a’ plays at quoits well, and swears with a good
grace, and such other gambol faculties a’ has,
that show a weak mind and an able body,
for the prince himself is such another;
the weight of a hair will turn the
scales between their avoirdupois.
PRINCE HENRY Would not this nave of
a wheel have his ears cut off?
POINS Let’s beat him before his whore.
PRINCE HENRY Look, whether the withered elder hath
not his poll clawed like a parrot.
POINS Is it not strange that desire should so many years
outlive performance?
FALSTAFF Kiss me, Doll.
PRINCE HENRY Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction!
what says the almanac to that?
FALSTAFF Thou dost give me flattering busses.
DOLL TEARSHEET By my troth,
I kiss thee with a most constant heart.
FALSTAFF I am old, I am old.
DOLL TEARSHEET I love thee better than I love
e’er a scurvy young boy of them all.
FALSTAFF What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive
money o’ Thursday: shalt have a cap to-morrow.
A merry song, come: it grows late; we’ll to bed.
Thou’lt forget me when I am gone.
DOLL TEARSHEET By my troth, thou’lt set me a-weeping,
an thou sayest so: prove that ever I dress myself handsome
till thy return: well, harken at the end.
FALSTAFF Some sack, Francis.
PRINCE HENRY |
| Anon, anon, sir.
POINS |
[Coming forward]
FALSTAFF Ha! a bastard son of the king’s?
And art not thou Poins his brother?
PRINCE HENRY Why, thou globe of sinful continents!
what a life dost thou lead!
FALSTAFF A better than thou: I am a gentleman;
thou art a drawer.
PRINCE HENRY Very true,
sir; and I come to draw you out by the ears.
MISTRESS QUICKLY O,
the Lord preserve thy good grace! by my troth,
welcome to London. Now, the Lord bless that sweet
face of thine! O, Jesu, are you come from Wales?
FALSTAFF Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty,
by this light flesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome.
DOLL TEARSHEET How, you fat fool! I scorn you.
POINS My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge
and turn all to a merriment, if you take not the heat.
PRINCE HENRY You whoreson candle-mine, you,
how vilely did you speak of me even now before this
honest, virtuous, civil gentlewoman!
MISTRESS QUICKLY God’s blessing of your good heart!
and so she is, by my troth.
FALSTAFF Didst thou hear me?
PRINCE HENRY Yea, and you knew me,
as you did when you ran away by Gad’s-hill:
you knew I was at your back, and spoke it on
purpose to try my patience.
FALSTAFF No, no, no; not so;
I did not think thou wast within hearing.
PRINCE HENRY I shall drive you then
to confess the wilful abuse; and then I
know how to handle you.
FALSTAFF No abuse, Hal, o’ mine honour, no abuse.
PRINCE HENRY Not to dispraise me, and call me
pantier and bread-chipper and I know not what?
FALSTAFF No abuse, Hal.
POINS No abuse?
FALSTAFF No abuse, Ned, i’ the world; honest Ned, none.
I dispraised him before the wicked, that the wicked
might not fall in love with him; in which doing, I
have done the part of a careful friend and a true
subject, and thy father is to give me thanks for it.
No abuse, Hal: none, Ned, none: no, faith, boys, none.
PRINCE HENRY See now, whether pure fear and entire
cowardice doth not make thee wrong this virtuous
gentlewoman to close with us? is she of the wicked?
is thine hostess here of the wicked? or is thy boy of the
wicked? or honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in his
nose, of the wicked?
POINS Answer, thou dead elm, answer.
FALSTAFF The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph
irrecoverable; and his face is Lucifer’s privy-kitchen,
where he doth nothing but roast malt-worms.
For the boy, there is a good angel about him;
but the devil outbids him too.
PRINCE HENRY For the women?
FALSTAFF For one of them, she is in hell already,
and burns poor souls. For the other, I owe her money,
and whether she be damned for that, I know not.
MISTRESS QUICKLY No, I warrant you.
Who knocks so loud at door?
[Enter PETO]
PRINCE HENRY Peto, how now! what news?
PETO The king your father is at Westminster:
And there are twenty weak and wearied posts
Come from the north: and, as I came along,
I met and overtook a dozen captains,
Bare-headed, sweating, knocking at the taverns,
And asking every one for Sir John Falstaff.
PRINCE HENRY By heaven,
Poins, I feel me much to blame,
So idly to profane the precious time.
Give me my sword and cloak. Falstaff, good night.
[Exeunt PRINCE HENRY,
POINS, PETO and BARDOLPH]
FALSTAFF Now comes in the sweetest morsel
of the night, and we must hence and leave it unpicked.
[Knocking within]
More knocking at the door!
[Re-enter BARDOLPH]
How now! what’s the matter?
BARDOLPH You must away to court, sir, presently;
A dozen captains stay at door for you.
FALSTAFF [To the Page] Pay the musicians, sirrah. Farewell,
hostess; farewell, Doll. You see, my good wenches,
how men of merit are sought after: the undeserver
may sleep, when the man of action is called on.
Farewell good wenches: if I be not sent away post,
I will see you again ere I go.
DOLL TEARSHEET I cannot speak; if my heart be not
read to burst,– well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.
FALSTAFF Farewell, farewell.
[Exeunt FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH]
MISTRESS QUICKLY Well, fare thee well: I have known
thee these twenty-nine years, come peascod-time; but an
honester and truer-hearted man,–well, fare thee well.
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