The Boar’s-Head Tavern, Eastcheap.
[Enter PRINCE HENRY and POINS]
PRINCE HENRY
Ned, prithee, come out of that fat room,
and lend me thy hand to laugh a little.
POINS Where hast been, Hal?
PRINCE HENRY
With three or four loggerheads amongst three or four score hogsheads. I have sounded the very base-string of humility. Sirrah, I am sworn brother to a leash of drawers; and can call them all by their christen names, as Tom, Dick, and Francis.
They take it already upon their salvation, that
though I be but the prince of Wales, yet I am king
of courtesy; and tell me flatly I am no proud Jack,
like Falstaff, but a Corinthian, a lad of mettle, a
good boy, by the Lord, so they call me, and when I
am king of England, I shall command all the good
lads in Eastcheap.
Vintner My lord, old Sir John, with half-a-dozen more,
are at the door: shall I let them in?
PRINCE HENRY Let them alone awhile…
[Exit Vintner]
I am now of all humours that have showed themselves
humours since the old days of goodman Adam to the
pupil age of this present twelve o’clock at midnight.
I am not yet of Percy’s mind, the
Hotspur of the north; he that kills me some six or
seven dozen of Scots at a breakfast, washes his
hands, and says to his wife ‘Fie upon this quiet
life! I want work.’ ‘O my sweet Harry,’ says she,
‘how many hast thou killed to-day?’ ‘Give my roan
horse a drench,’ says he; and answers ‘Some
fourteen,’ an hour after; ‘a trifle, a trifle.’ I
prithee, call in Falstaff: I’ll play Percy, and
that damned brawn shall play Dame Mortimer his
wife. ‘Rivo!’ says the drunkard. Call in ribs, call in tallow.
[Enter FALSTAFF, GADSHILL, BARDOLPH,
and PETO; FRANCIS following with wine]
POINS Welcome, Jack: where hast thou been?
FALSTAFF A plague of all cowards,
I say, and a vengeance too!
marry, and amen! Give me a cup of sack, boy. Ere I
lead this life long, I’ll sew nether stocks and mend
them and foot them too. A plague of all cowards!
Give me a cup of sack, rogue. Is there no virtue extant?
[He drinks]
PRINCE HENRY Didst thou never see
Titan kiss a dish of butter?
pitiful-hearted Titan, that melted at the sweet tale
of the sun’s! if thou didst, then behold that compound.
FALSTAFF You rogue, here’s lime in this sack too: there is
nothing but roguery to be found in villanous man:
yet a coward is worse than a cup of sack with lime
in it. A villanous coward! Go thy ways, old Jack;
die when thou wilt, if manhood, good manhood, be
not forgot upon the face of the earth, then am I a
shotten herring. There live not three good men
unhanged in England; and one of them is fat and
grows old: God help the while! a bad world, I say.
I would I were a weaver; I could sing psalms or any
thing. A plague of all cowards, I say still.
PRINCE HENRY How now, wool-sack! what mutter you?
FALSTAFF A king’s son! If I do not beat thee out of thy
kingdom with a dagger of lath, and drive all thy
subjects afore thee like a flock of wild-geese,
I’ll never wear hair on my face more. You Prince of Wales!
PRINCE HENRY Why, you whoreson round man,
what’s the matter?
FALSTAFF Are not you a coward?
answer me to that: and Poins there?
POINS ‘Zounds, ye fat paunch,
an ye call me coward, by the Lord, I’ll stab thee.
FALSTAFF I call thee coward! I’ll see thee damned
ere I call thee coward: but I would give a thousand
pound I could run as fast as thou canst. You are straight
enough in the shoulders, you care not who sees your
back: call you that backing of your friends? A
plague upon such backing! give me them that will
face me. Give me a cup of sack: I am a rogue, if I
drunk to-day.
PRINCE HENRY O villain! thy lips are scarce wiped
since thou drunkest last.
FALSTAFF All’s one for that.
[He drinks]
A plague of all cowards, still say I.
PRINCE HENRY What’s the matter?
FALSTAFF What’s the matter! there be four of us
here have ta’en a thousand pound this day morning.
PRINCE HENRY Where is it, Jack? where is it?
FALSTAFF Where is it! taken from us it is: a hundred
upon poor four of us.
PRINCE HENRY What, a hundred, man?
FALSTAFF I am a rogue, if I were not at half-sword with
a dozen of them two hours together. I have ‘scaped by
miracle. I am eight times thrust through the
doublet, four through the hose; my buckler cut
through and through; my sword hacked like a
hand-saw–ecce signum! I never dealt better since
I was a man: all would not do. A plague of all
cowards! Let them speak: if they speak more or
less than truth, they are villains and the sons of darkness.
PRINCE HENRY Speak, sirs; how was it?
GADSHILL We four set upon some dozen–
FALSTAFF Sixteen at least, my lord.
GADSHILL And bound them.
PETO No, no, they were not bound.
FALSTAFF You rogue, they were bound, every man
of them; or I am a Jew else, an Ebrew Jew.
GADSHILL
As we were sharing, some six or seven fresh
men set upon us–
FALSTAFF
And unbound the rest, and then come in the other.
PRINCE HENRY What, fought you with them all?
FALSTAFF All! I know not what you call all; but if I fought
not with fifty of them, I am a bunch of radish: if
there were not two or three and fifty upon poor old
Jack, then am I no two-legged creature.
PRINCE HENRY Pray God you have
not murdered some of them.
FALSTAFF Nay, that’s past praying for: I have peppered
two of them; two I am sure I have paid, two rogues
in buckram suits. I tell thee what, Hal, if I tell
thee a lie, spit in my face, call me horse. Thou
knowest my old ward; here I lay and thus I bore my
point. Four rogues in buckram let drive at me–
PRINCE HENRY What, four? thou saidst but two even now.
FALSTAFF Four, Hal; I told thee four.
POINS Ay, ay, he said four.
FALSTAFF These four came all a-front, and mainly thrust
at me. I made me no more ado but took all their seven
points in my target, thus.
PRINCE HENRY
Seven? why, there were but four even now.
FALSTAFF In buckram?
POINS Ay, four, in buckram suits.
FALSTAFF Seven, by these hilts, or I am a villain else.
PRINCE HENRY Prithee, let him alone;
we shall have more anon.
FALSTAFF Dost thou hear me, Hal?
PRINCE HENRY Ay, and mark thee too, Jack.
FALSTAFF Do so, for it is worth the listening to.
These nine in buckram that I told thee of–
PRINCE HENRY So, two more already.
FALSTAFF Their points being broken,–
POINS Down fell their hose.
FALSTAFF Began to give me ground:
but I followed me close, came in foot and hand;
and with a thought seven of the eleven I paid.
PRINCE HENRY O monstrous! eleven buckram
men grown out of two!
FALSTAFF But, as the devil would have it, three
misbegotten knaves in Kendal green came at my back
and let drive at me; for it was so dark, Hal, that thou
couldst not see thy hand.
PRINCE HENRY These lies are like their father that begets
them; gross as a mountain, open, palpable. Why, thou
clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou
whoreson, obscene, grease tallow-catch,–
FALSTAFF What, art thou mad? art thou mad?
is not the truth the truth?
PRINCE HENRY Why, how couldst thou know these men
in Kendal green, when it was so dark thou couldst not see
thy hand? come, tell us your reason: what sayest thou to this?
POINS Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.
FALSTAFF What, upon compulsion? ‘Zounds, an I were
at the strappado, or all the racks in the world, I would
not tell you on compulsion. Give you a reason on
compulsion! If reasons were as plentiful as
blackberries, I would give no man a reason upon
compulsion, I.
PRINCE HENRY I’ll be no longer guilty of this sin;
this sanguine coward, this bed-presser, this
horseback-breaker, this huge hill of flesh,–
FALSTAFF ‘Sblood, you starveling, you elf-skin, you
dried neat’s tongue, you bull’s pizzle, you stock-fish!
O for breath to utter what is like thee! you
tailor’s-yard, you sheath, you bowcase; you vile
standing-tuck,–
PRINCE HENRY Well, breathe awhile, and then to it again:
and when thou hast tired thyself in base comparisons,
hear me speak but this.
POINS Mark, Jack.
PRINCE HENRY We two saw you four set on four and
bound them, and were masters of their wealth.
Mark now, how a plain tale shall put you down.
Then did we two set on you four; and, with a word,
out-faced you from your prize, and have it; yea, and
can show it you here in the house: and, Falstaff,
you carried your guts away as nimbly, with as quick
dexterity, and roared for mercy and still run and roared,
as ever I heard bull-calf. What a slave art thou, to hack
thy sword as thou hast done, and then say it was in fight!
What trick, what device, what starting-hole, canst
thou now find out to hide thee from this open and
apparent shame?
POINS Come, let’s hear, Jack; what trick hast thou now?
FALSTAFF By the Lord, I knew ye as well as he that made ye.
Why, hear you, my masters: was it for me to kill the
heir-apparent? should I turn upon the true prince?
why, thou knowest I am as valiant as Hercules: but
beware instinct; the lion will not touch the true
prince. Instinct is a great matter; I was now a
coward on instinct. I shall think the better of
myself and thee during my life; I for a valiant
lion, and thou for a true prince. But, by the Lord,
lads, I am glad you have the money. Hostess, clap
to the doors: watch to-night, pray to-morrow.
Gallants, lads, boys, hearts of gold, all the titles
of good fellowship come to you! What, shall we be
merry? shall we have a play extempore?
PRINCE HENRY Content; and the argument shall be
thy running away.
FALSTAFF Ah, no more of that, Hal, an thou lovest me!
[Enter Hostess]
PRINCE HENRY How now, my lady the hostess!
what sayest thou to me?
Hostess Marry, my lord, there is a nobleman of the court
at door would speak with you: he says he comes from
your father.
PRINCE HENRY Give him as much as will make him a
royal man, and send him back again to my mother.
FALSTAFF What manner of man is he?
Hostess An old man.
FALSTAFF What doth gravity out of his bed at midnight?
Shall I give him his answer?
PRINCE HENRY Prithee, do, Jack.
FALSTAFF ‘Faith, and I’ll send him packing.
[Exit FALSTAFF]
PRINCE HENRY Now, sirs: by’r lady, you fought fair;
so did you, Peto; so did you, Bardolph: you are lions too,
you ran away upon instinct, you will not touch the true
prince; no, fie!
BARDOLPH ‘Faith, I ran when I saw others run.
PRINCE HENRY ‘Faith, tell me now in earnest, how came
Falstaff’s sword so hacked?
PETO Why, he hacked it with his dagger, and said he
would swear truth out of England but he would make
you believe it was done in fight, and persuaded us
to do the like.
BARDOLPH Yea, and to tickle our noses with spear-grass
to make them bleed, and then to beslubber our garments
with it and swear it was the blood of true men. I
did that I did not this seven year before, I blushed
to hear his monstrous devices.
PRINCE HENRY O villain, thou stolest a cup of sack
eighteen years ago, and wert taken with the manner,
and ever since thou hast blushed extempore.
[Re-enter FALSTAFF]
Here comes lean Jack, here comes bare-bone.
How now, my sweet creature of bombast!
How long is’t ago, Jack, since thou sawest thine own knee?
FALSTAFF My own knee! when I was about thy years,
Hal, I was not an eagle’s talon in the waist; I could have
crept into any alderman’s thumb-ring: a plague of
sighing and grief! it blows a man up like a
bladder. There’s villanous news abroad: here was
Sir John Bracy from your father; you must to the
court in the morning. That same mad fellow of the
north, Percy, and he of Wales, that gave Amamon the
bastinado and made Lucifer cuckold and swore the
devil his true liegeman upon the cross of a Welsh
hook–what a plague call you him?
POINS O, Glendower.
FALSTAFF Owen, Owen, the same; and his son-in-law
Mortimer, and old Northumberland, and that sprightly Scot
of Scots, Douglas, that runs o’ horseback up a hill
perpendicular,–
PRINCE HENRY He that rides at high speed and with his
pistol kills a sparrow flying.
FALSTAFF You have hit it.
PRINCE HENRY So did he never the sparrow.
FALSTAFF Well, that rascal hath good mettle in him;
he will not run.
PRINCE HENRY Why, what a rascal art thou then,
to praise him so for running!
FALSTAFF O’ horseback, ye cuckoo; but afoot
he will not budge a foot.
PRINCE HENRY Yes, Jack, upon instinct.
FALSTAFF I grant ye, upon instinct. Well, he is there
too, and one Mordake, and a thousand blue-caps more:
Worcester is stolen away to-night; thy father’s
beard is turned white with the news: you may buy
land now as cheap as stinking mackerel.
PRINCE HENRY Why, then, it is like, if there come a hot
June we shall buy maidenheads as they buy hob-nails,
by the hundreds.
FALSTAFF By the mass, lad, thou sayest true; it is like we
shall have good trading that way. But tell me, Hal,
art not thou horrible afeard? thou being
heir-apparent, could the world pick thee out three
such enemies again as that fiend Douglas, that
spirit Percy, and that devil Glendower? Art thou
not horribly afraid? doth not thy blood thrill at it?
PRINCE HENRY Not a whit, i’ faith;
I lack some of thy instinct.
FALSTAFF Well,
thou wert be horribly chid tomorrow when thou comest
to thy father: if thou love me, practise an answer.
PRINCE HENRY Do thou stand for my father,
and examine me upon the particulars of my life.
FALSTAFF Shall I? content: this chair shall be my state,
this dagger my sceptre, and this cushion my crown.
Give me a cup of sack to make my eyes look red,
that it may be thought I have wept.
Stand aside, nobility.
Hostess O Jesu, this is excellent sport, i’ faith!
FALSTAFF Weep not, sweet queen;
for trickling tears are vain.
Hostess O, the father, how he holds his countenance!
FALSTAFF For God’s sake, lords, convey my tristful queen;
For tears do stop the flood-gates of her eyes.
Hostess O Jesu, he doth it as like one of these harlotry
players as ever I see!
FALSTAFF Peace, good pint-pot; peace, good tickle-brain.
Harry, I do not only marvel where thou spendest thy
time, but also how thou art accompanied:
There is a thing, Harry,
which thou hast often heard of and it is known to
many in our land by the name of pitch: this pitch,
as ancient writers do report, doth defile; so doth
the company thou keepest: for, Harry, now I do not
speak to thee in drink but in tears, not in
pleasure but in passion, not in words only, but in
woes also: and yet there is a virtuous man whom I
have often noted in thy company, but I know not his name.
PRINCE HENRY What manner of man, an it like your majesty?
FALSTAFF A goodly portly man, i’ faith, and a corpulent;
of a cheerful look, a pleasing eye and a most noble
carriage; and, as I think, his age some fifty, or,
by’r lady, inclining to three score; and now I
remember me, his name is Falstaff: if that man
should be lewdly given, he deceiveth me; for, Harry,
I see virtue in his looks. If then the tree may be
known by the fruit, as the fruit by the tree, then,
peremptorily I speak it, there is virtue in that
Falstaff: him keep with, the rest banish. And tell
me now, thou naughty varlet, tell me, where hast
thou been this month?
PRINCE HENRY Dost thou speak like a king?
Do thou stand for me, and I’ll play my father.
FALSTAFF Depose me? if thou dost it half so gravely,
so majestically, both in word and matter, hang me up by
the heels for a rabbit-sucker or a poulter’s hare.
PRINCE HENRY Well, here I am set.
FALSTAFF And here I stand: judge, my masters.
PRINCE HENRY Now, Harry, whence come you?
FALSTAFF My noble lord, from Eastcheap.
PRINCE HENRY The complaints I hear of thee are grievous.
FALSTAFF ‘Sblood, my lord, they are false: nay,
I’ll tickle ye for a young prince, i’ faith.
PRINCE HENRY Swearest thou, ungracious boy?
henceforth ne’er look on me. Thou art violently carried
away from grace: there is a devil haunts thee in the
likeness of an old fat man; a tun of man is thy companion.
Why dost thou converse with that trunk of humours, that
bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel
of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed
cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with
the pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that
grey iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in
years? Wherein is he good, but to taste sack and
drink it? wherein neat and cleanly, but to carve a
capon and eat it? wherein cunning, but in craft?
wherein crafty, but in villany? wherein villanous,
but in all things? wherein worthy, but in nothing?
FALSTAFF I would your grace would take me with you:
whom means your grace?
PRINCE HENRY That villanous abominable misleader of
youth, Falstaff, that old white-bearded Satan.
FALSTAFF My lord, the man I know.
PRINCE HENRY I know thou dost.
FALSTAFF But to say I know more harm in him than
in myself, were to say more than I know. That he is old,
the more the pity, his white hairs do witness it; but
that he is, saving your reverence, a whoremaster,
that I utterly deny. If sack and sugar be a fault,
God help the wicked! if to be old and merry be a
sin, then many an old host that I know is damned: if
to be fat be to be hated, then Pharaoh’s lean kine
are to be loved. No, my good lord; banish Peto,
banish Bardolph, banish Poins: but for sweet Jack
Falstaff, kind Jack Falstaff, true Jack Falstaff,
valiant Jack Falstaff, and therefore more valiant,
being, as he is, old Jack Falstaff, banish not him
thy Harry’s company, banish not him thy Harry’s
company: banish plump Jack, and banish all the world.
PRINCE HENRY I do, I will.
[A knocking heard]
[Exeunt Hostess, FRANCIS, and BARDOLPH]
[Re-enter BARDOLPH, running]
BARDOLPH O, my lord, my lord! the sheriff with a most
monstrous watch is at the door.
FALSTAFF Out, ye rogue! Play out the play:
I have much to say in the behalf of that Falstaff.
[Re-enter the Hostess]
Hostess O Jesu, my lord, my lord!
PRINCE HENRY Heigh, heigh!
the devil rides upon a fiddlestick:
what’s the matter?
Hostess The sheriff and all the watch are at the door:
they are come to search the house. Shall I let them in?
FALSTAFF Dost thou hear, Hal? never call a true piece
of gold a counterfeit: thou art essentially mad,
without seeming so.
PRINCE HENRY And thou a natural coward,
without instinct.
FALSTAFF I deny your major: if you will deny the sheriff,
so; if not, let him enter: if I become not a cart
as well as another man, a plague on my bringing up!
I hope I shall as soon be strangled with a halter as another.
PRINCE HENRY Go, hide thee behind the arras:
the rest walk up above. Now, my masters,
for a true face and good conscience.
FALSTAFF Both which I have had: but their date is out,
and therefore I’ll hide me.
PRINCE HENRY Call in the sheriff.
[Exeunt all except PRINCE HENRY and PETO]
[Enter Sheriff and the Carrier]
Now, master sheriff, what is your will with me?
Sheriff First, pardon me, my lord. A hue and cry
Hath follow’d certain men unto this house.
PRINCE HENRY What men?
Sheriff One of them is well known, my gracious lord,
A gross fat man.
Carrier As fat as butter.
PRINCE HENRY The man, I do assure you, is not here;
For I myself at this time have employ’d him.
And, sheriff, I will engage my word to thee
That I will, by to-morrow dinner-time,
Send him to answer thee, or any man,
For any thing he shall be charged withal:
And so let me entreat you leave the house.
Sheriff I will, my lord. There are two gentlemen
Have in this robbery lost three hundred marks.
PRINCE HENRY It may be so: if he have robb’d these men,
He shall be answerable; and so farewell.
Sheriff Good night, my noble lord.
PRINCE HENRY I think it is good morrow, is it not?
Sheriff Indeed, my lord, I think it be two o’clock.
[Exeunt Sheriff and Carrier]
PRINCE HENRY This oily rascal is known as well
as Paul’s. Go, call him forth.
PETO Falstaff!–Fast asleep behind the arras,
and snorting like a horse.
PRINCE HENRY Hark, how hard he fetches breath.
Search his pockets.
[He searcheth his pockets, and findeth certain papers]
What hast thou found?
PETO Nothing but papers, my lord.
PRINCE HENRY Let’s see what they be: read them.
PETO [Reads] Item, A capon,. . 2s. 2d.
Item, Sauce,. . . 4d.
Item, Sack, two gallons, 5s. 8d.
Item, Anchovies and sack after supper, 2s. 6d.
Item, Bread, ob.
PRINCE HENRY O monstrous! but one half-penny-worth
of bread to this intolerable deal of sack! What there is else,
keep close; we’ll read it at more advantage: there
let him sleep till day. I’ll to the court in the
morning. We must all to the wars, and thy place
shall be honourable. I’ll procure this fat rogue a
charge of foot; and I know his death will be a
march of twelve-score. The money shall be paid
back again with advantage. Be with me betimes in
the morning; and so, good morrow, Peto.
PETO Good morrow, good my lord.
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