Superstar Zombies: Scene Two


David Bowie and Freddie Mercury are expecting
the arrival – by boat – of Amy Winehouse

BOWIE: Ah look there she is now.
Poor girl, another one’s life cut short

FREDDIE: Fucking music business.
It’s a killer queen

BOWIE: Too much attraction I agree, and when you’re
in her web she will suck you dry, like a spider from Mars

FREDDIE: That’s o so true. Anyway
let’s welcome her properly, this Amy Winehouse

BOWIE: Yes okay, let’s dance.

Amy Winehouse steps up with a suitcase with wheels.

AMY: So this is what you people call rehab? It may
be nice sunny island but me is not gonna do your rehabs.
I said no no no many times, and will continue saying no.

BOWIE: I hate to break the news to you, dear Amy,
but this is not rehab

FREDDIE: Yes, it’s worse even

AMY: What can be worse than rehab? David Bowie’s music?

BOWIE: Oh thank you very much, my dear. Look in the
mirror, Amy girl, there’s no image of you. You’re a spirit now.
To say it bluntly, honey, you’re dead!

FREDDIE: Seems like it, Amy. Welcome at the island
of superstar zombies!

AMY: Perhaps being dead is more fun than rehab, who knows

BOWIE: It depends. Yes there’s plenty of entertainment, but
you have to do that entertainment yourself. It’s a very long wait
if you can’t entertain yourself, my dear!

AMY: Stop calling me my dear! I am not your deer!

FREDDIE: (to Amy) How was your crossing? Did you pay
the ferryman?

AMY: What ferryman? I was drinking, didnt see no ferry man

BOWIE: Not so good, Amy, not so good. It will be reported.
Rumour has it you won’t find any rest in your afterlife when
you didn’t pay the ferry man.

FREDDIE: Let’s just pay him next arrival. Can’t see any
manic depressionist around on this island.

BOWIE: So you’re inventing new words now, Freddie –
manic depressionist?

FREDDIE: Yeah, why not? But listen, Amy. You’re not in rehab.
You’re in a place no one has ever heard of or could have thought
of it even existed. But no worries, you’re fine here, with us

AMY: Okay, take me to the drinks then. You do have a bar here?

BOWIE: We may have a lot of work to do, Freddie, with this one.
I feel under pressure already

FREDDIE: Come on, we’ve all seen worse. Let’s go, Amy, we will
introduce you to the others

AMY: What others? You mean there’s more of you rockstar
impersonators?

BOWIE: Oh yes, my dear! There’s many many more of us.
You will find out!

AMY: Don’t call me “my dear”! Ziggie Stardust!

BOWIE: I will call you my dear anytime I feel like. Get used to it.

They walk off stage.